Sometimes my asshole is full of shit, but it owns up to it. It has sacrificed itself to make others happy, joyous, and free. It has bled for what it believes in. It has welcomed the poor, the weak, the huddled masses. It has never been on twitter or contradicted itself. It has never bragged […]
Gentle readers, here is a short play I wrote. I truly hope that it amuses or offends you. Or both!!!!!!
By David R. Brainard
Kayserra (a female alien)
Kasar (a male alien)
Donald J. Trump (a buffoon)
Voice Only Characters:
Kayserina (Kayserra’s Mother)
Anne Coulter (a monster)
Shep Smith (a Fox News Channel Anchor)
A spaceship orbiting the Earth
The spaceship can be sparsely furnished.
For low budget productions, I recommend lots of tinfoil
Covered surfaces and painted large machines. There are two rooms of
The ship shown- a small communications room stage left,
Where Kayserra enters and takes a call from Kayserina,
And a large laboratory that takes up stage center and right.
The Lab needs to be furnished with a hospital bed upstage center, more machines,
Test tubes, and some sort of monitor that has its back turned to the audience.
Kasar and Kayserra should be obviously extraterrestrial. Green makeup,
Extra appendages, tentacles attached to their costumes. Kayserra
Wears a “Morticia Adams” style gown with simulated tentacles acting as her feet.
The actress should also wear a harness with two stuffed bras attached
To simulate the idea that she has four breasts. In lieu of shaving,
Hats can be worn to make Kasar bald, and Kayserra should
Have one tuft of hair sticking straight up through her cap. Trump
Can be simplified- cover him with a sheet, have his hospital bed vertically
Placed with his feet facing the audience. A large unkempt blonde wig
And some orange face make up should complete the Trump effect.
(A loud bell is ringing in the communications room. Kayserra enters from stage left and presses a button on one of the machines represented. Kayserina’s voice comes from a microphone.)
Hello, Dear, It’s your mother!
(Kayserra slaps her head with one of her tentacles, rolls her eyes. When she answers, it is without enthusiasm.)
Hello, Mother. How are you?
Just fine, dear. Your father and I just got back from a trip to Jupiter!
How was it?
It was hot and gassy, just like your father. Listen, dear, I just called to see how mating season is going.
It isn’t going at all, Mother! There is only one male aboard this ship with me, and he doesn’t seem interested!
Well, honestly! Make him interested! Doll yourself up, for the love of Hut! The Boobie-Wabi have been a spacefaring people for a millennia. We have gone forth and multiplied, and so will you! Why, when I was your age I went into season and had to go to the Crenalan Galaxy to find the nearest male! AND we didn’t have warp drive! You are in season, chock full of eggs ready to be fertilized. Find that male and get down to business!
(Sighs loudly) Yes, Mother.
All right dear. Get on it! Literally! I have to go. I need to call 45 of your sisters and tell them the same thing. Honestly, it’s a wonder we have a species left at all. Your generation-
Uh, Mother, there is a disturbance in the com-link. I’ll talk to you later! Love you! (She presses the button, sighs loudly again, and undulates offstage)
The lights come up on center and right
Stage. Kasar fiddles with dials on machines, consults books
Makes notes on a clip board. Occasionally he pokes Trump
With a long metal pole. Trump groans, murmurs in his sleep, farts loudly.
Kasar waves about the area frantically with his tentacles,
Makes more notes in his clipboard. Occasionally he looks
Up at the monitor. He is the picture of the absentminded alien
Professor. .Kayserra sashays on from right stage. She has changed her appearance.
Her tuft of hair sports a large bright pink bow. She wears
White eyeshadow, bright fuchsia lipstick, and her four breasts
Are more prominently displayed in a tight fitting garment.
Greetings Kayserra! (He looks up and is so startled by her appearance that he stumbles back a bit) Uh, you look different. Have you done something with your hair?
(She fluffs her tuft, bats her eyes at him, and smiles widely at him)
You noticed! It’s just a bow. Kasar- what is THAT?
(She gestures at TRUMP. He farts. Both aliens frantically wave their tentacles)
Great Jupiter! What a smell!
Indeed. This is a human male.
(Kayserra gets closer to Trump, gestures at his hair)
What is this? Some type of symbiotic or parasitic organism growing on him?
That, (beat) is his hair!!!!
(Kayserra pats her own tuft again)
Oh, my! How singularly unattractive!
(She draws closer to Kasar, thrusting her many breasts in his face. Kasar considers her breasts. He is confused. What is going on here?) (Beat)
That isn’t nearly the worst of it. Be glad you can’t hear him talk. It’s almost as bad as his gas, and it lasts longer.
Does he screech, like a Burgoisian howler bat? Should I put in ear plugs?
No need for that. You are in no danger of hearing him speak now, besides its his content, not his pitch, that will hurt your ears. Here, watch this monitor. This is something I picked up called the Fox News Channel. It proves that there is no intelligent life on this planet.
(Kasar gestures towards the monitor. She looks at it and screams)
What is that???!!!!
That is something called an Anne Coulter. It appears to be a human female, but I’m sure that the males run from it during mating season!
It looks as though it’s eggs are expired anyway. At least they should be! Look at those teeth! It reminds me of the Romulus cougar, which bites the male member off after sex.
(Kasar shudders loudly and reflexively covers his genital area with as many tentacles as he can manage)
It gets worse. Listen! (He flips a dial on the monitor)
I say, fine! If the libtards want to let the refugees come in, let them! Slavery is such an ugly word. Why don’t we just go back to indentured servitude? Say, ten years hard labor in exchange for political asylum! I could use a new gardener. Trust me, after he trims my bush, he won’t have the energy to plan any terrorist attacks. I was just saying the other day to my housekeeper, Guadalupe or whatever her name is, hey, be glad I’m paying you at all! It’s not like I couldn’t call the INS and have you sent back to Mexico or Columbia or wherever you come from. I mean you can rinse my lingerie and clean my toilets for a cool 20 dollars a week or be deported. This is America! Suck it up!
That is a fascinating take on current events, Anne, but I need to cut now for a special report! Frontrunner Donald J. Trump has been kidnapped! He was last seen egging on his supporters to beat the protesters at his rally in Houston. Security dragged him off the stage and he has since disappeared. The FBI and CIA have so many suspects that they don’t know where to start! They do say that Ted Cruz is a suspect however!
(Kasar turns the volume down)
Well, now you know why this planet isn’t part of the galactic federation. It says right here, in the inter galactic rules of conduct book. (He picks up a book, reads from it) Section 42- no contact with semi-sentient species. Under no reason should ignorant planets be made aware that they are not alone in the universe.
(Kayserra approaches him again, pouting her lips. Kasar visibly swallows nervously)
But Kasar, you’ve kidnapped a potential idiot leader!
Well, that’s how the cookie crumbles. The way things look now, he wouldn’t have had much to rule anyway.
I did some research. (He consults his clip board)
We actually made this planet habitable, thousands of years ago, technically, its ours!! But our species went off to colonize and forgot all about it. Then some sneaky devils from Romulus decided to use it as a prison planet. They sent all of their undesirables, the thieves, murderers, and rapists here. No wonder they have made such a mess of things. They have enslaved all the other creatures. They are destroying the planet, and though some of them are trying to stop it, I’ve learned from this Fox News Channel that many of them are so stupid they don’t believe it.
(Kayserra bats her eyes at him, Throws herself into his tentacles)
Oh, my big strong handsome Kasar! This beautiful planet! Whatever can we do? They are destroying it!
KASAR (finally gets it)
Not to worry darling. I’ve already petitioned the federation. It’s most likely since they are all illegal aliens that they will be deported. Romulus can collect them and throw them into the sun, for all I care. Enough of them already.
(Makes gurgling sound)
Come to my quarters darling. Let’s see about those eggs!
(He wraps his tentacles around her and leads her off stage right)
Just one thing. I thought that you said this Trump creature could speak?
After I saw a few of his speeches on the monitor, I removed his larynx.
(They exit stage right. Trump farts loudly. The lights go down.)
Apparently, Islamist radicals have declared war on personal hygiene. Washington, pay attention. ISIS hates soap and water at least as much as they hate America! It is amazing that they can sneak up on anyone. Can’t they smell them coming? Let’s face it, these men have been living in the desert squatting over holes in the sand. At this point they are comprised of bacteria bonded to grease and beard hair. Some of them will probably disintegrate completely if we just hose them down with a strong disinfectant. The war on terror can be won if we simply weaponize some household cleaning products. The only reason that ISIS has survived for this long starving in the desert is that they are uncircumcised and can make their own cheese. Think of it! Scrubbing bubbles falling from the sky, burning them like agent orange!
For the survivors, I propose a new detainment…
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